


Second Thoughts

by Elise_Madrid



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 01:39:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17909561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elise_Madrid/pseuds/Elise_Madrid
Summary: Kirk muses about what should have been, or what could be, while trapped in Tholian space.





	Second Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published in the KiSmet 2018 Con Zine.

Kirk looked up from his computer at the sound of the chime. “Come.”

The doors swept open. Spock stood on the other side, impeccably put together as ever.

Kirk stood and came around his desk. Motioning his friend in, Kirk walked over to the sitting area and took a seat on one of the small couches. Spock settled across from him.

“I took the liberty,” Kirk said as he lifted the carafe of brandy and poured them each a small glass. “I think we earned it.”

Spock looked at him quizzically. “I thought to find you in a more somber mood, Captain. Considering.”

Kirk shrugged. Sitting back he thought a moment before taking a drink. He held the glass in his hand, seeming to contemplate its crystal facets. “I was at first. The Romulan commander was right. In a different reality, we might well have been friends. Just not in this one.” He took another drink. “As much as I might wish it otherwise, that’s not the reality we live in. To rage at fate because of that would be…illogical?” He raised one eyebrow and gave Spock a knowing look.

Spock smiled, the quiet smile that Kirk found himself going out of his way to provoke. “I am pleased that you have come to that conclusion. I was concerned that you would allow the incident to cause you distress.”

“As much as I hate to admit it, it’s gotten slightly easier to separate my personal feelings from my professional ones. I still have problems when losing a crew member, but an enemy, no matter how noble, is still my enemy.”

“Then you are content with the friends you have?”

Kirk frowned. “What do you mean?”

Spock rose and came around the small table. He sat down, angling his body so that they faced one another. One of his thighs pressed against Kirk’s. He took the glass from Kirk’s hand and set it on the table. “I have come to greatly appreciate our friendship. I hoped that you felt the same way.”

Kirk was speechless. In a hundred years, this wasn’t the conversation he had expected to have with his friend. While he had often found himself fantasizing about there being more between them, he wasn’t sure he was ready for it yet.

“Do you, Jim?” Spock asked, his hand settling on Kirk’s thigh.

Suddenly Kirk was sure. His cock hardened, and his pulse starting to pound as Spock’s hand slowly moved up his thigh. Faster than Kirk could have imagined, Spock had undone Kirk’s trousers, and then the Vulcan’s hand was fastened around Kirk’s cock. He slowly fisted the organ, while bringing his arm around Kirk’s shoulders and pulling him close. Kirk felt Spock’s lips settle on his.

Kirk shuddered and open his eyes. He was still surrounded by the dark, bleak universe he’d suddenly found himself in. He had been standing on the _Reliant’s_ bridge, waiting to be transported back to the _Enterprise._ The next thing he knew, he was here. Wherever here was. But wherever he was, it wasn’t in his cabin, and he wasn’t with Spock; he was all alone. There was no _Enterprise,_ no _Reliant,_ and no Spock. Only the cold and silent stars. And even they were very far away.

He looked at his suit’s controls. About three hours of oxygen left.

He thought about the dream, wishful thinking, whatever it had been, that he’d been envisioning. Things had not gone that way at all. Yes, Spock had come to his quarters, but Kirk had been in a depressed mood. The battle with the Romulans, the destruction of the ship and its crew, especially that of its captain, had hit him hard. He’d been unable to throw it off so readily as he had in his dream. Spock had stayed only a few minutes before wishing his captain a good night and returning to his own cabin.

Of course, Kirk’s reaction might not have been the one the Spock of his dream was asking for. For, in truth, Kirk hadn’t been ready for that kind of relationship with Spock. Not then. They’d only been serving together a few months. And while Kirk had found Spock sexually compelling, starting up with a fellow officer held more dangers than he had been willing to face. He and Spock worked well together. He wasn’t about to endanger that. Not then. But later? Definitely.

Kirk couldn’t say exactly when his feelings had deepened, but he did recall one particular mission that had brought home to him just how fragile their lives were, and the courage it took to accept one’s fate.

~~~~~

They were on the bridge, he in his chair, Spock, as was becoming the norm, standing next to him. They were orbiting Lazarus’s planet. Or, at least what remained of it.

“Activate phaser banks,” Kirk said. “Stand by to fire.”

On the viewing screen, a bright dot appeared on the planet’s surface. Lazarus’s ship. Kirk hesitated a moment, not wishing Lazarus’s fate on him. Finally, he responded. “Fire phasers.”

The phasers shot out, hitting the little saucer. After a few moments, it winks out. The ship was gone. And so was Lazarus.

“All right, Mister Lesley, let’s get out of here. Ahead warp factor one.” His order was acknowledged, and he turned to Spock. The short conversation regarding Lazarus’s fate that followed brought down a pall of depression. Kirk hid it as well as he could, which seemed to work because Spock didn’t hesitate to return to his station.

Or so Kirk had thought. But his first officer knew him too well. Kirk was lying on his bed, in the dark, wrestling with his conflicting emotions. He really didn’t want company right now, but not responding wasn’t an option for him. He sat up. “Come.”

Somehow, he had known that it would be Spock standing there when the door opened. The Vulcan seemed to hesitate before entering. He approached Kirk, stopping at the divider screen.

“May I help you, Mister Spock?”

Again, that hesitancy. “Are you all right, Captain?”

Kirk gave a tired smile. “I’m fine, Spock. Just…pensive, I guess. I wonder if I would have the courage to do what Lazarus did. It’s unimaginable.”

“You have put your life on the line before, Captain, and for much less than the entire universe. Or two.”

“Yes, but if I died, it would be over and done with. Lazarus will have that madman at his throat forever.” He shook his head. “Yet Lazarus did what he did almost happily. He had obviously given it a lot of thought because there was no hesitation, only a firm resolve. A man that noble, I can’t imagine that he didn’t have someone at home waiting for him. Someone who will never see him again. Will probably never even know what happened to him. Given the same circumstances, I’m not sure if I could accept the situation so readily.”

Spock took a step closer to the bed. His head was slightly bowed, and his eyes were downcast. “If there was no alternative, I would have gone into the corridor without regret, if I knew that you would live.”

Kirk’s eyes widened. From Spock, that had practically been a declaration of love. Kirk reached out and took one of Spock’s hands in his. He lightly caressed the long fingers. “I don’t know if I would want such a sacrifice from you because I can’t imagine my life without you by my side.”

Spock’s looked up into Kirk’s eyes, searching for assurance there.

With a gentle tug, Kirk pulled Spock to his side, turning toward Spock as he lowered him onto the bed. Neither spoke. Kirk caressed Spock’s cheek before bending down and bringing his lips to Spock’s.

That’s what he should have done. Instead, he had played the role of the invincible captain. It didn’t matter that he still found these things upsetting. He imagined he always would. But he couldn’t show those feelings, not even to Spock. He was the captain, and weakness was not allowed. But even then it had crossed his mind to ask Spock to stay. To maybe play a game of chess. Or, maybe, make the move that he was thinking about more and more. Make Spock more than a friend.

Thing was, he still hadn’t known how Spock would react to his proposition. Same-sex relationships had been accepted so long on Earth that no one even gave it a second thought. You might as well question heterosexuality. But Kirk didn’t know how Vulcans felt about it, though it wouldn’t be that long before he was to find out.

~~~~~

“Your highly emotional reaction is most illogical. Your relationship with the Companion has for  
one hundred and fifty years been emotionally satisfying, eminently practical, and totally harmless. It may indeed have been quite beneficial.”

Stranded on a planet with a man they had thought dead for over a hundred years when their shuttle was pulled off course, Kirk and been just as surprised by Cochrane’s reaction as Spock had been.

Cochrane had been repulsed by the idea of being ‘fed off’ by the Companion, an alien life-form which had made him young again, and kept him safe for a hundred and fifty years. A totally parochial attitude as Spock had said. Even their passenger, Commissioner Hedford, a steely bureaucrat who was slowly dying of Sakuro’s disease, had cried when hearing that someone would run away from love, no matter in what form it came to you.

Cochrane did finally come around, perhaps in part because the Companion had hijacked the Commissioner’s body right before the woman would have died. Though Cochrane seemed to say otherwise, Kirk thought that the man found it easier to love a human female, rather than an alien one. Still, they seemed happy together. Kirk thought that even Spock had been touched by that happiness. 

Happiness. With someone. That seemed further away now than it had ever been. He was trapped in the middle of nowhere, the only person, the only _thing_ around for light years. He should have said something to Spock. Should have taken the chance while he still had the time. Because time was running out.

He looked at his suit’s instrument panel. Less than an hour of oxygen left.

He brought his hands up and yelled in frustration. “Spock! Help me!”

Stupid. He was being stupid. No one could see him, no one could hear him. And yelling only used up more oxygen. Yet he knew that if he had any chance at all of making it out of here alive, it would be up to Spock to figure out a way. Kirk almost smiled. He knew Spock would be moving heaven and earth to get him back.

He wondered how he and McCoy were getting along. They never did well when it was just the two of them. Case in point would be when Spock and McCoy were locked up together on the parallel Earth where Rome never fell. McCoy had felt badly about it later. Badly enough to confess it all later to Kirk. While Kirk was being seduced by the Proconsul’s slave, Drusilla, McCoy had been lambasting Spock for not accepting McCoy’s thank you for saving his life in the manner that McCoy felt was his due. Odd how, no matter how benign the circumstances, they couldn’t fail to end up at each other’s throats. But Spock had never mentioned it.

Did Spock know what had been going on with Kirk while they were locked up? It was in the report, though you’d have to read between the lines to figure it out. It certainly wouldn’t be beyond Spock’s powers of deduction. Maybe that’s why Spock had been able to so easily seduce the female Romulan commander. A little payback, maybe?

Kirk hadn’t said anything about it. Neither had Spock. Kirk had even suggested that Spock walk the woman to her cabin, and hadn’t he felt like kicking himself for that. But as far as he knew, Spock hadn’t seen her again. Once the woman was off his ship, though, he called his first officer to his cabin, ostensibly to get a more thorough report.

Kirk had tried to appear casual. He hadn’t even been in uniform. He’d noticed the slightly raised eyebrows when Spock at first walked into Kirk’s cabin. He’d rarely seen his captain in civvies. And since Kirk didn’t have a lot of clothes that weren’t uniforms, a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeve tunic had had to do.

He’d set the couches so that they wouldn’t be across from each other, but at a 90º angle, and had pushed the table out of the way. In the small space of Kirk’s lounging area, their knees couldn’t help but touch from time to time. Spock didn’t seem to mind, which boosted Kirk’s resolve.

“I heard that you escorted the Commander to the transporter room.”

“Yes, since I was the main reason for her becoming our prisoner, I felt it my duty to see her along her way.”

“It wasn’t your fault. She grabbed onto you, not the reverse. I’m not sure what she was thinking, but I doubt it had anything to do with you. How could it?”

Spock leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hand together. He hesitated, as if unsure of his words. Finally, he spoke. “I am not sure what she thought or felt. My interactions with her were essentially lies from start to finish. I regret that. She deserved better.”

Kirk frowned, not caring for the way this conversation was going. Did Spock have feelings for the woman? “Are you planning on seeing her again?”

Spock looked at him in surprise. “Of course not, Captain. What reason would I have to do so?”

“If you liked her. It sounds as if you do.”

Spock straightened and looked directly at Kirk. “I regret my actions toward her, but, no, I have no reason to see her again. My life is here.”

Kirk took a deep breath and, trying to keep his tone light, asked. “With me?”

Still holding Kirk’s gaze, Spock nodded. “I wish to be nowhere else.”

Kirk stood and moved to Spock’s other side. He sat down. He pushed Spock against the couch’s back and wrapped his arms around Spock’s neck, eliciting a slightly raised eyebrow. It was almost as if Spock had been expecting this. “That’s all I wanted to hear,” Kirk said, before closing the gap between them and pressing his lips to Spock’s.

Spock’s mouth opened. He took in Kirk’s tongue, exploring Kirk’s mouth with his own. At the same time, his hands pushed up Kirk’s tunic until he found skin. Then they were caressing as much of Kirk’s body as they could reach.

Kirk reciprocated, pushing Spock’s tunic up and off. He pulled his own off and then straddled Spock’s legs. He could feel the heat and bulk of Spock’s organ. He reached down and instigated his hand into Spock’s pants, taking hold of the throbbing cock. Kirk silently cursed at the tight pants, but Spock must have undone its fastening because suddenly there was plenty of give, enough that Kirk was able to pull Spock’s pants down around his hips. The Vulcan’s cock stuck out, demanding attention. Kirk had every intention of giving it to it.

Spock’s hands lowered and pulled at Kirk’s sweatpants. He managed to expose Kirk’s ass, spreading his fingers and kneading his flesh.

Kirk pulled his mouth away, needing more air. He rocked against Spock, his cock rubbing against the Vulcan’s. He held on for dear life as their bodies took up the age old motion. When a finger breached his body, he moaned his release.

Air, he needed air. He frantically looked at the suit’s controls. Out. The oxygen was all gone. “Damn it, Spock, help me!” he cried one last time. And then his vision went dark and the stars disappeared.

He was in the transporter room. Chapel removed his helmet while McCoy administered to him. He was back.

~~~~~

“Ahead warp factor two, Mister Sulu,” Kirk said.

“Warp factor two, sir.”

Kirk glanced at his second officer as he walk away. Everything was back to normal. He didn’t quite believe Spock and McCoy’s description of what had gone on between them while he was gone. Nothing ever went that smoothly between the two of them. He’d get it out of Spock later. Might as well get the ball rolling right now. Kirk stood and casually approached Spock’s station.

Later, off duty and in his cabin, Kirk waited for Spock to appear. His invitation for a nightcap had been readily accepted. As if Spock had expected it. All that was left to do was see things through to their inevitable conclusion.

Because like all the other scenarios Kirk had toyed with while still trapped in Tholian space, the last one hadn’t happened, either, but he was done with second thoughts and might have beens. He didn’t want a universe all to himself; he wanted one to share, and he knew who exactly he wanted to share it with.

At that moment, the door chimed.


End file.
